My name is Pam, and I'm a total deadbeat. I haven't blogged in 24 days. I haven't run in 29 days. I feel like I've lost control over my own life with no end in sight. All I do is work and sleep. I spent a week in NY, a week in CA, and now I'm home but commuting to MD for the next 5 days. I was sick for one of those weeks, I crashed and burned on the GRE last week, and of course there was that incident where I totaled my car. At last check I was 20 pounds above where I feel comfortable.
Everything seems to be coming unglued. I don't know what to say or what to do. I feel completely derailed. All those goals I had for 2012...they seem so foolish now. Another marathon? Running 1,000 miles? Training with CAR? Puh-lease. I'm registered for a 5k this coming weekend. I don't want to do it. What is the point? I'll only embarrass myself. If my family wasn't coming to run it, I think I'd just bail.
I want so badly to be the busy but optimistic person I was a month ago. I don't know where she went or how to get her back. Now I'm just overextended and depressed. I'd ask for help, but what can anyone do? Not work for me. Not run for me. Not clean for me. Not anything. It is all on me. No pressure, right? The more I think about all the ways I'm letting myself down, the more overwhelmed I get, and the more I do nothing.
I don't expect much feedback on this post, to be honest. I've noticed that the more personal I get on here, the more it seems that I alienate anyone reading. I'm as vain as the next person and comments mean so much to me. It isn't often that I feel heard or validated. Maybe in the next week or so something will give and I'll start to come out of this. Just seems like once one stressful event passes, there are two more waiting right behind it.
I apologize for not having read your blogs, friends. I miss hearing how you are and what you're up to. In this state, it is almost too hard to read about how your training is going and what your latest run was like. It is a flaw of mine, not capable of being happy for others without comparing my life to theirs. Just add it to the long list of things I should be working on. I'll wrap this up, although I'm sure you stopped reading ages ago. If you have a moment, a little love would go a long way. Please comment here or stop by my page on Facebook. Thank you.
Oh Pam, this makes me so sad. I was thinking of going for a super easy run on Sunday. Can I talk you into joining me?
ReplyDeleteI've been there. We all have.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that the down parts of life are balanced by the up. I know it seems crazy, but just focus on one thing at a time, and you will get through this.
I think an easy run with Liz would be a very good start.
(no need to read my blog - it's boring)
Hearing you so clearly, Pam. I've been going through something similar for the past 9+ weeks. Do you not want to run the 5K for fear of embarrassment or because you really just don't want to run it? Screw the embarrassment angle. This is the reality...no one cares about our times but US. Our friends and families will still love us even if we crawl the course backwards...or don't even do it. I ran a 5K yesterday. It was more than 3 minutes slower than my 5K on Thanksgiving. But I got a ton of satisfaction out of it because... I DID MY BEST! That is really all we can ask of ourselves EVER...to do our best. Sometimes our best is climbing Mt Everest, and other times our best is just crawling from bed to the bathroom and back. We could start our own little Booster Club and get ourselves out of this rut. Baby steps. I've already bagged my current marathon plans...perhaps one lies waiting for me at the end of the year, but it isn't on the board right now. And 1000 miles? I don't set those kinds of goals...for me, it's one day at a time. You're going to get your groove back. Really. You ARE.
ReplyDelete<> Hang in there. I know it sucks. We have all been there. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteyou know the phrase, "something's gotta give"...and then it never does. I totally feel ya girl but the good news is that girl exists in you and really isn't too far off. As far as hunting her down and kidnapping her back? Yeah I know...that's the hard part. For the 5K- don't worry about it. As far as everyone else is concerned, you will not embarrass yourself. Of course you are your own worst enemy. I know about that one all too well. Please try to enjoy yourself. Take it all in. Enjoy the time with your family. Take lizardruns up on her offer! Try to start absorbing some of the positive energy being sent your way, even when you feel like you don't deserve it, because you do. You deserve joy...happiness...silliness. Tackle everything a little step at a time. Clean one thing and if it sparks an urge to keep going, great! If not...well you have one more thing done than you did before! You got this...your knickers are just particularly twisted at the moment and it just takes a little time to...untwist them
ReplyDeleteBig hugs girl, it will get better, I promise. No worries and no pressure. Just take life in tiny bites and prioritize. Easier said than done, I know. I'm glad you used this space to vent. Breathe. This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other commenters :) It'll get better, life sucks, and just because you haven't been running the way you want doesn't mean you won't be able to again. We're all here for you.
ReplyDeleteYou'll feel better if you tackle just start tackling really little things. It'll make everything feel less overwhelming. But I've definitely been where you are. Winter sucks. Get some sunshine!!
ReplyDeleteNo magic words here, just moral support. Go for that run with your friend. I always find that running with a friend makes a dreaded run go better; if only so that there is someone else to embrace the suck.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to have everything feel like its going wrong and feel like you are just in a giant funk. Things WILL get better. Just take it one day at a time and you will get there.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I'm still training right now, but its is the only thing I am doing. I think I've gained 10 lbs (while training, so just imagine all the garbage I am eating), and I'm pretty much a total wreck in every other facet of my life. Sometimes we just need to do what we need to do to get thru. And soon the clouds will pass and we will feel worthwhile again. Forgive yourself --- each day is a new one, and you can't change the past, only the future. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWe all get in a funk at times, and I hope you get out of yours soon! Are you doing Rock N Roll DC on St Pattys? If so, we should plan a meet up!
ReplyDeleteWe sounds a lot alike. I have a hard time being happy for others when I am stuck in a world of suck. I think that is human, not a flaw. And of course, 90% of what ends up on a blog/fb page is the good stuff. You are very brave for sharing. You are being way too hard on yourself. I know easy for me to say, but it sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself. I have been guilty of the all or nothing syndrome. Either it is perfect or it is terrible, nothing in between. I want to be the best I can be and if I fall short, I consider myself a failure. I have been learning to be happy with today and enjoying the gray, not everything is black or white, win or loose. I am talking about myself, not you but if you can't PR on the next 5K...it doesn't mean you suck. It is so hard to be our own best friend, but think about the things you are telling yourself, would you say those things to a friend? It will get better and as my mom always said, "this too shall pass..." XOXO, Shannon
ReplyDeleteAlright pam........time for some "tough love!!" It's time to "suck it up butter cup" you can do this...you have a great life, you traveld a bunch already this month so give yourself a little bit of a break on the other things, and be nice to you I often find we are our own worst enemies....promise me this week every morning you will say two nice things to your self....I totally believe what we put out in the universe we get back...baby steps....tomorrow you get up and email me your two nice things, and then walk/ run 1 mile or .5 miles at lunch or as soon as you get home and then email me and tell me how exhilarating it was!! baby steps and we are gonna get you back to rocking your own socks in no time!!! Please if you can't do it for you do it for your new friend!!!
ReplyDeleteNow that you got that out - do you feel any better? I hope things turn around for you soon, just a step at a time :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You aren't alone. I'll be at the LTRYW this weekend. I won't be setting any land speed records. In fact, I expect to be quite a bit off my PR since I've only been running solidly for a couple of months again. But it's all about fun. And the weather is supposed to be great. So do it! And I bet you'll feel better after you do.
ReplyDeleteIt'll get better. Just give each day the best you have. That's all you can do. And DON'T give up on running. Nothing better to clear your thoughts than a good run. If you're not up to it, go for a walk. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteMy running has taken a huge dive since the beginning of January. I busted it out on December and then I bombed. I got sick of running in the cold. I got sick of the treadmill. I just got sick of it. I am sort of back at it but life is crazy here for us now so I often have to get a sitter just to make my scheduled classes at the gym. I get it...it's hard. Bounce back when you are ready though. You will enjoy this break and feel better about starting up when you do :)
ReplyDeleteThis will pass! You are going through a rough spot, but you will come out on top! We all have setbacks. I feel like I could have written this post from the emotional state I have been lately. I hope you are feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I totally feel you. Shannon's right though. We do only post the positive stuff. You just don't hear about everyone's yuckiness because people usually like to hide that. I get really upset when I feel like no one reads my blog. I pour my heart and soul into that thing and only have 20 followers and not many comments...but am ecstatic when I do get a comment or a follow! Keep your head up...you have Team Tough Chik behind you and they seem like some pretty awesome women. :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You are not alone. I ate myself into oblivion on Super Bowl Sunday and did not run. I think we all have our moments (and a lot of them) of self-destructiveness or just plain not willing to realize that we can't ignore what our fate has given us. I feel the same way as you. I let myself get out of hand and then crawled back from the deep. It really pushed me over the edge. Don't let yourself feel guilty. We do so much and ignore so much of ourselves that feeling guilty just allows those voices of defeat win. Here's hoping you will feel it flying through the 5K again and you'll pick yourself back up. But whatever you do - please don't hang your head in shame. You have all your sistahs behind you....we're all fighting that fight every day as well. Together, we got this!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear this! Take Liz up on her run offer! Spending time with a friend outside running might help you start to pull out of the funk.
ReplyDeleteI have been missing you! Sorry to hear things aren't going so great for you right now. Sometimes life hands us a crappy hand and it takes awhile to figure out what to do with it. You did right by asking for support. I say get out and do the 5k and use it as a benchmark. You can do this and we will be here with you tough chik! It is still the start of Feb, not too late to kick 2012 in the butt and get in those miles. Hugs! you can do it!
ReplyDeleteSometimes in life it seems like everything is falling apart. I am proud of you for putting it into words and posting. I think putting it all together honestly will help you be able to really look at the situations posing you and help you deal better. Please hold strong and know you have a great group of ladies here to support you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that the last few weeks have been rough. I'll be thinking of you and hope that things start to turn around soon.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having such a hard time lately. Even though we haven't talked in a while, i'm still here for you if you need an ear. Hang in there, girl! You'll get through this! :) And FYI, I can't even run a 5K!! You should be so proud of yourself! I'm sure you will do great!!
ReplyDeletesending you an open invitation for a workout buddy, as long as you like running slow. I'm sending you good thoughts & hoping things turn around soon.
ReplyDelete