If you know me, you know Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week. The fun of the previous weekend has worn off and the upcoming weekend is no where in site. If I am to have bad luck at all during the course of the week (awful run, trouble at work, issues with my commute, spilling coffee on myself, etc) it inevitably happens on a Tuesday. I just don't like this day. As I write this the email server at my office just crashed. Perfect.
I slept poorly for the second night in a row, thanks to this continued race anxiety issue. I did force myself out of bed and out the door for a short run this morning. There was just no other time today that it could fit into my schedule and I didn't want to have a gap of two days off between runs, taper or not. Again, it was mediocre. 3.47 in a little under 34 minutes. By the time I got to my usual Tuesday morning appointment I was closing in on tears. Rachel and I talked for the better part of an hour trying to find out what was going on and what I can do about it. So far it seems like my identity and to an extent how I value myself as a person is wrapped up in being a runner. I should have realized that sooner, as that was a huge problem for me when I was injured. So a race is no longer a life experience, rather an evaluation of who I am as a person. A more thorough assessment could be run to figure out how my brain made that all or nothing connection in the first place but for now we just brainstormed on what I can do in the next 4 days to ease up on myself and inject something more positive into my psyche.
I've got a list started and I want to hammer it out into something more concrete. Ideally it will be something I can read Saturday night before bed and once more Sunday before the race starts. A combination of affirmations and reminders that I can use while I am out on the course. I think the process of compiling and refining the list over the next few days should help with the intrusive negative thoughts. At the very least it will give my brain something else to focus on. However, if anyone wants to chime in with extra words of encouragement and advice for me in the comments, I would be thrilled. My head is still half in therapy land and half in work land so I'll leave you with a little something funny that I am trying. Since my intrusive thoughts go beyond running in my life experience I needed to come up with a way for my brain to intercept them until I learn to override them entirely. That something is picturing this happening to each unwanted thought in my brain: